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10 Geekinis

July 9, 2010

It’s summertime, ladies! That means getting out of the house, into that blinding and rarely seen circle-sky-light thing, and out to the beach! But what shall we wear?

Over on Huffington Post there’s a slideshow of what they call “The Geekiest Bikinis of All Time.” Now, I can’t help but wonder which of these a self-respecting lady geek would wear. Let’s check all ten out.

#1. The iPod Bikini appears to have iPod controls built in. I can’t get more info on it than that, since the source website is in Chinese. This strikes me as impractical and gimmicky. For instance, can you swim in this? Where are the speakers? Wouldn’t you rather have headphones on when you’re listening to music and sunbathing? Or maybe use a boombox? And what I can see of the styling of this bikini… meh.

#2. No, HuffPo. No. This isn’t even swimwear, this Ms. Pacman a slutty Halloween costume. Research fail. Supposing it was an actual bikini, it’s okay up until the haunted crotch. I kind of dig the hem of the skirt, which is like the Pac-Maze, but why pink? (Why is it always pink??) I also almost like the top, but the Pacs are too big (or the top is too small) and would look better facing each other, like when they first met.

#3. This one actually creeps into tech geek territory, using the latest technology for good, not evil. The Smart Swim Bikini has (had, rather, it’s no longer made) a sensor that would give a readout of UV levels and alerts you to when you’ve been out to long. And it’s cute, too. I love the belt detail. This tech suit actually looks waterproof to boot! But… do geek girls actually tan?

#4. Charging your iPod makes slightly more sense than listening to it through your boobies. But the Solar Film Bikini‘s design is awful and you can’t actually swim in it. It has potential, though. I like the texture of the solar panels, and if you actually managed to sew them into a suit without making it look like you hot glued the hot mess together, you could have something. And is it so much to ask to actually go into the water when you go to the beach??

#5. Aaaaanother miss. I know what you’re saying. “Aw, c’mon, Bex. It’s a joystick bikini! It’s even called the Geekini! It’s fun! What’s wrong with it?” What’s wrong with it is that the buttons are on my nipples. You know what every dude is going to envision when he sees this. It could work as lingerie. Something for that special someone you would want to treat your nips like D-pads. But not swimwear. That’s skeevy.

#6. No. Can’t swim in it. Moving on.

#7. Okay, okay. Technically not a bikini. But the Sun Dry Swimsuit has some technology a gal can get behind, even if they technology itself strikes me as a bit sketchy. I’ll be the first to admit that I know nothing about nanotechnology, but I’m skeptical that a “nanoscopic membrane” can be used to make your suit dry faster. But if it’s legit, I am all over this swimsuit. No more laying towels on your car seats!

#8. What the what? This isn’t a geek swimsuit, it’s a horrible asshole prank! A suit that disappears when you get it wet? Why the-… HOW IS THIS GEEKY? Bad HuffPo. Bad. Go to the corner.

#9. Okay. Back on track with what might be my favorite out of all of these. The UV Bikini is like the UV reader one above, but it doesn’t have a clonky digital readout on it. Instead, those cute little bead accents change color if you’ve been out in the sun too long. As a geek who avoids the sun and burns easily, this is awesome. Well done, HuffPo. I like you again.

#10. …. god dammit.

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